Love In The Spaces
by Tawny
It's the oldest trick in the book, to write a letter to a friend, loved one, lost love, or the one that disappeared. It's the only thing that's not too confrontational, and that grants us the ability to almost ask and tell it all, in one shot. Some have the courage to send it out, some use this avenue to release it of their system and, you guessed it... rip it up.
After a few moments of sifting through a past that once binded me, I decided to indulge in some word scrambles to release something so reluctant.
Dear 'its been you',
It seems as though I've gone through this same pattern with you a billion times. A billion times of trying to let go and finally letting it be. A billion times of failing to stay true to my words. Of all the heartaches of our endings and the happiness of our beginnings, we still... I still, continued to allow myself to be enraptured by you and how we used to be in love. Truth be told, I still don't know and can't explain what it is about you, about this, that kept me holding on to this idea that we could overcome the unfixable. We've run this into the ground endlessly, and I am almost certain that we're worn out.
Were you addicted? I was. Addicted to the uncertainty you constantly fed me. Addicted to believing that you were the one. Addicted to always seeing where it could go, knowing very well that it probably wasn't going anywhere. You were a master at playing the game of me. Which is ok. I did my part in letting you win and it was effortless. It did take two to tango,wouldn't you agree?
Maybe it was the comfort we sought in each other. A hide-away place from this dating realm we all hate to engage in. A love/hate relationship we knew every angle of. Maybe it was pure sexual. In the throes of passion, we constantly lost ourselves in instant gratifications of familiarity of one anothers taste, smell, touch. Engulfed by lust, maybe? Who knows why we kept each other at reach. A bond that's strong enough to keep us coming back yet not enough to make us stay.
In my heart you remained the boy who rescued me from a prisoned state of loneliness. The sweetness in your eyes that I never could escape. A bubble of memories we made yesterday that brought me here today only to see me gone tomorrow. I loved you in spaces all this time. Faith that saw farther than any human eyes could see. I always tried to be a hopeless romantic, but only when it came to you. The logical explanation was that you remained unattainable. Again.
A love that would not return. A love that served its purpose in my life, in our lives, and maybe has no reason to resurface again. Logical. It's what makes sense in this senseless world, we choose to be immune to. It keeps us sane in our every day lives. Because God forbid, we live on emotion alone. We'd all be foolish with our hearts and no mind.
"A paragraph or two devoted to our memories we shared...first line, I love you...last line, but I can't no more". I lived foolishly thinking of you, loving you, missing you, wanting you, and needing you. Foolishly all for you. But like every love story, there's an ending, and here is mine.
A decision to not write you so you can't see the smeared, smudged writing from the tears that fell from my eyes. And I know you don't believe me, for you know my crazy ways... but it's true. "A pat on my back for trying, no spill from my mouth of regrets, a love for you that never died..."
A lesson I learned, I am the rule... no longer the exception. I won't see you again, nor feel you again. You are my meant to be in this final chapter.
I loved you in spaces all this time and only you know just how much.
Sweets
Ok, so now that I managed to put on such a display, if you have yet to open your mind, heart, and mouth, go for it! Nothing beats letting it out into the world.