Unrequited Love
by Tawny
Does one's heart have to experience tremendous pain to finally understand that the intended was not the one they were meant to be with? Must we really cry a river in order to let go?
The famous quote I've built recent days around so far is this - "A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it." (Helen Rowland) This quote resonates the most important relationship in my adult life.
It was a fairy tale story that began with the rose colored glasses we continuously wore. A gray area that was safe from reality, as it allowed us comfort, understanding, passion of a love, and more than enough lustful desires of one another to create a new history. A pureness we had both experienced with our first loves, but lost through adolescent years of "feeling things out". Our meeting was perfectly timed. The stars were aligned, our ducks all in a row, it was a fateful encounter. I needed him, and he needed me. However, like all things in life; after that need was fulfilled, our time came up and goodbye was lurking on the horizon. The feeling of inevitability was trecherous to our hearts...at least, it was for mine.
He never did know how to say goodbye. Instead, always left that door open for me to peek through when I pleased, or even to stay on the doorstep until he'd finally say "come in, stay...forever". It was a game we both mastered. Unrequited love it surely was. My mind, heart and soul was addicted to the uncertainty he fed me. The "almost" but "not quite there" feeling that dictated every action I came to know. It was an addiction I was not ready to free myself from.
The back and forth charade we tended to, was more than kept up on my part. Never detached from him, I couldn't be a part of another. It was a commitment embedded in me. It was the only thing I knew, or cared to know. Mentally, emotionally, physically, just unavailable to everyone, but him. Our love/hate relationship was recycled over and over only to come to a halt tonight. The timing was perfect. Not a star in the sky, the black night captured every emotion that held me captive for so long only to release me from his hold. Overwhelming emotions were finally in agreeance with my mind. It was time to bid farewell. Farewell to the addiction I've grown to hate, a relationship way past efforts. An unrequited love, it surely was.
A tired soul from a too familiar pain of standing on that limb alone...yet again...too soon. "Goodbye" was the last words never to be spoken from his lips, as having me wait was the ruler of his condescending nature. "When" would be now, for yesterday had come and gone and come and gone too many times for this lifetime.
Enough was enough, and words could not explain this further. It had all been said, all the mistakes relived,and his unwillingness to break has exhausted my bending. Translations of this love was insubstancial to our present. A past with shackles that would leave an imprint for generations. Even if it'd never be spoken of, or admitted to, it was there. He and I could see it, if not feel it, blinded or paralyzed, it was there.
"Goodbye" were the last words never to be spoken from his lips, and "When" could ONLY be now, because seeing him at my door yet again would be addicting. An addiction, Id never be ready to free myself from. An addiction I've grown to hate. An unrequited love, it surely was.